Vegans Love Thanksgiving…

As much as Native Americans do. Because of that, I’m going to be kind for once and provide some self-preservation tips for meat-eaters who are going to be mixing with vegan friends and family this holiday season:

Don’t make Tofurkey jokes. We’ve heard them. All of them. A million times. They weren’t funny the first time, and they’re way unfunnier now.

Don’t remind everyone else at the table that Sally-Sue is vegan. They don’t care, and she’s not interested in explaining where she gets her protein from to cray cray Uncle Herbert.

But the biggest safety tip of all: Don’t tell vegans they’re missing out on turducken, a tired dish from the 1970s. This unholy trinity is a deboned chicken stuffed inside a deboned duck stuffed inside a deboned turkey and baked (you hope) until all the salmonella, E. coli, and Campylobacter are dead.

Trust me, in no way are veg*ns worried about missing out on Transformer main dishes. Oh, and 1978 called—they definitely don’t want their turducken back.

Now, bring on the turquila!